Wednesday, November 01, 2000

a day late, but i thought this was funny

Halloween Safety Tips
1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
2. Never read a book of demon-summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
4. If children speak to you in Latin or any other language that they shouldn't know, shoot them immediately. This will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.
5.When you have the benefit of group numbers, NEVER pair off and go it alone.
6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
7. Never stand in or on a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
8. If you're searching for something that caused a loud noise and it appears that it was just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE!
9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits, just move on!
10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
11. If you find a town that looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.
13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice. (Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.)
14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, such as Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're already in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine (It's a wonder the entire state of Maine hasn't been abandoned by now.)
16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby, seemingly deserted house to phone for help. If you think it's strange that you ran out of gas at all, since you had half a tank, shoot yourself instead. You're going to die anyway and most likely will be eaten.
17. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws for the weekend. This applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or died in some horrible fashion or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.

11/01/2000 11:56:00 AM | link me
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